Today is Mary's birthday -- she would have been 55 today. For me, it's a time for reflection, on the plans that we had and the future that we'd imagined. And on the many things that she achieved. I would be an entirely different person today, had we not happened to meet at D and P's wedding. But that's a story often told.
I still have the occasional moment of feeling that this is all a temporary aberration, and that normality, as I've known it for most of my life, will return. As if I only have to get by like this for the time being. I guess that's what they mean by denial, or it's my version of it, anyway. Somehow, I always sort of thought that she'd outlive me: longevity runs in her family, and women live longer anyway.
We were never "dependent" on each other. We were both people who could manage perfectly well on our own, and our relationship was based not on need but on things we enjoyed together. Family, primarily, and music. Driving to places together. There are certain occasions and places that are going to be difficult: the biggest will be grandchildren, if and when there are any. But in the immediate future, the first Christmas without her; the next time I go to Cornwall; and indeed, visiting Aberystwyth.
I went to Aber at the weekend, with the children, and it was a very good trip -- but very strange to be there without her. Today, life doesn't seem awful or impossible, just strange and puzzling.
